Day four of ‘project me’ and the assessment is as follows … very sucky start to say the least!
Rewind to March last year …
My very precious friend (who shall be known as ‘Pandora’ because we tell each other EVERYTHING (more than I tell my Greggie, coz he doesn’t really wanna hear all the intricate girlie stuff and I never got that ‘Will and Grace’ part of choosing a gay best friend exactly right).
Anyways … She knows more than anyone else,and once we’ve heard ourselves say our truths to each other … well you know the rest).
So Pandora lives far, far away from me and our skype conversations are our lifeline to our truths. If we don’t speak to each other in ages, the one knows that the other is not ready to face their truth. It was my turn to tell the truth, which consisted of me being nothing less than an emotional wreck with a tot of ‘petrified’ for good measure. Pandora was beyond surprised. Why? Because as close as her and I are, she had never heard me show an ounce of vulnerability or sob in absolute fear. That day she told me that her perception of me is that I had the ability to see the positive in everything and nothing feared me, tripped me up or knocked me down.
I started to take note of the people I counselled and supported and noticed the trend. You see, I always teach by examples in my life and once the lesson is done the response is always the same … “It’s easy for you, you are getting it so right. You’re so confident, you’re not afraid …” Blah, blah, blah (no offence to anyone who has complimented me … I thank you, but I have to jump in and say … “I so don’t get it right at first and sometimes I don’t get it right at all, but I make it right and I make it work.”
That’s why I decided to blog in the first place!
I’ve been working on ‘project me’ for 5 years and in that time there are things about myself that I have not managed to ‘make right’ just yet. The biggest of them is my inability to put myself first for just one moment in time. I have no clue how to not be the writer, the teacher or the truth teller, yet that is my profession and I get that very right! What about the rest of me … that’s ‘project me’.
So the first three days were spot on as the teacher and writer, but a dismal attempt at the ‘project me’ thing.
‘Blog Jodene, don’t teach!’
I didn’t do this blog for anyone else but me. I did it because I wanted to give myself the gift of my strengths and use it to support my weaknesses (and don’t get all spirituaaaaal on me and say we don’t have weaknesses … because we all do … it’s what we do with them that makes the difference and shoving them away to be forgotten does not make them go away). I did it because I know that when I start something I finish it … under one condition … I need to be teaching. Unhealed in many ways … but true! So throwing myself into the public eye was my genius idea … not forgetting that I’m fake blonde so I’m never quite sure what’s genius and what’s just plain … blonde!
So although I could kick myself for thinking up this dumb ass idea … I could also kick the dumb ass of my best friend, Greggie, for thinking it was such a good idea too. Worse off, I could double kick Greggie for being totally unafraid of telling me the truth and sharing his opinion that, to date, ‘project me’ was not at all the concept I had enthusiastically shared with him.
So this is the bottom line …
I want to make this year all about me and I want to blog about it.
I don’t want to teach anything or impart pearls of wisdom that have to be spelled out (come to my seminars or read my newsletters for that). I just want to share the ramblings of my mind and the events of my day and let whomever finds value in it draw their own conclusion.
This is what I forgot to mention in days one to three …
New year’s day I was a wreck about the first entry of the blog and literally watched every event of my day like I was searching for a four leafed clover, waiting to bag the one moment I was going to blog about. I hated it!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Pandora broke up with her boyfriend and her heart is crushed … and the only place I want to be most of my days is the place that is too far to get to.
I spent Saturday shopping with my little sis, which totally rocked in so many ways! Our relationship yo-yo’s from friends to enemies constantly and it’s back to awesome … I could just frame this moment!
I felt sick during yesterday’s meeting about my dad’s estate and was chucking down rescue remedy before the lawyer arrived. With every question I asked, I found myself reassuring my family that I was not angry or disrespectful to my father’s memory at all. To be honest … I was asking all those questions because I needed to not be angry at my father. Not because I forced myself, but because I asked the right questions and found the truth … and the truth is that I have no reason to be angry at all … I ended up bursting into tears when I spoke about my personal need for my dad’s money … yes … I have debt looming!
Today, only half my mind was concerned about my first day back in Greg and my business and the deadlines that are fast approaching.
The other half of the today, my head was contemplating climbing back into the bed of my on again-off again ‘friend with benefits’. Yep … it actually works … when we are not off again … of course! Why am I contemplating?, you ask! … well because one of us thought we were done with the other … AGAIN! … and that’s why we’re not a couple! … (Oh … you didn’t get why … because we’d most probably kill each other that’s why! … passionately of course!)
Tonight I sat down with my mom, my little sis, (who literally is little, standing upright at a height of 4 ft 9), her adoring fiancé (who towers over her at a staggering 6 ft 5) and my brother (who thinks this blog is dumb and doesn’t support me at all) … and I told them what I am afraid of about this year ahead and my choice to share myself with the world:
I’m afraid that you’re all gonna see that my spelling and grammar sucks … so from this point on it shall not be read by my mother before it’s posts … raw and real, with a little help from spell check and a wing and a punctuational prayer!
I’m gonna have to talk about my family (because our relationships sway from magical to malicious) and I don’t want to ever give the impression that we don’t love each other.
I’m gonna have to share my thoughts about my life journey, love and why the hell I am here … and it’s a little controversial to say the least.
I flirt … and I’m worried that some very special men out there think they are the only one … but then that would be like me thinking I’m the only one they’re flirting with and one of us has to be a little wiser 😉
What if my date sucks (not in a good way) … I’m gonna have to tell him before he scores a mention and reads about it.
What if I give up on gym! What if I eat half a loaf of bread after an emotional day?
What if I … what if … what if!
Well, if we lived by what if’s … we’d never do anything … now would we?