I’m still blogging. There’s something in not giving up on a relationship while trying to figure out what the next move is with it. So today I got to wake up super late, which is great seeing as though I’m pumped up on meds to get rid of this nasty spider bite … that only seems to be getting more painful.
I reached for phone (which acts as my clock/watch) and gasped because I thought I had forgotten to organise a guest for Angela’s Sunday morning radio slot of ‘project me’ and the realised … it’s not Sunday. Public holidays are those little gifts for the working peeps, but when you own your own business and there’s burning stuff to be done … like a Tweetup in 6 days time and not nearly enough people, a pubic holiday can be somewhat annoying.
Crisis averted and a few more days to plan the Sunday morning show, but I sent an immediate message to my dear friend, Jarred Orlin AKA the gossip guy and asked him to be my project me guest. Yay, he’s doing it so that’s another week sorted.
So tomorrow I have an interview with the Venus Networks for their product, Estee Lauder and they are coming to chat to me about my perfume collection, which I blogged about not so long ago. That got a bee in my bonnet because Pat and I have had plans to fix up the room after my sis gave us a gorgeous headboard for our engagement, but we haven’t gotten around to it. What better day than a Sun … um … public holiday.
The day kinda went like that. Every once in a while I would want to do something Sunday, like get ready to record the Mnet movie or plan dinner for Monday because I teach at nights. Then it was Wednesday all over again and back to settling into a public holiday, that might be needed but has me frustrated seeing as though I feel like there’s so much to do and so little time.
The Sunday (well, you know what I mean by now) blues have made me realise something a little deeper about my aversion to my blog at the moment. Wait, before I go there I have to stop and thank my amazing readers and friends, who have slowly found time to tell me how much they love ‘project me’ and share their reasons for not commenting. Not that the commenting or retweeting has anything to do with my final decision about the blog … it’s just and excuse to not have to get ‘project me’ real about the space I’m in.
The reality of the space I’m in and I think I’m getting to the nitty gritty of why the blog is getting to me so much, stems for the straw that broke the camel’s back today.
After my dad passed away, I shared a country song with my mom, where the lyrics go: ‘Life’s not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’. From that day on, that song has been very emotional for both my mom and I as we both reflect on our relationship with my dad, in our own special way. Money is tight. Money is more than tight and Pat and I are still out there doing everything in our power to live our individual dreams. Our bedroom looks gorgeous, but we’ve done it on a shoestring budget and there are things we know we’ll improve on as the money begins to flow.
Then I was it.
A picture frame with the words of the song written around it. I had to have it. Finances are strained but I still couldn’t walk out of that store without having it for my mom and I had to turn to Pat for help. Help that he really can’t give me, but gave me anyway. That set the tears going and all the frustration that has been building about … let me breathe before I vent …
I have worked so fucking hard and I still can’t by my mom the simplest, yet most precious present that costs only a few hundred rand. That’s it … that’s why I don’t wanna blog anymore … it’s because I’ve been telling this money story since before I even began blogging and I’m trying not to feel like a right royal failure for still not having a decent income after two years.
That’s the truth … that’s the reality … that’s why the blogging currently sucks … that’s why I have the Sunday blues like all hell!!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour