Jodene Shaer 

I sabotaged my own sabotage – project me day 169

Finally! My days of chaos and avoidance are beginning to subside and I can drop the veil of superficial calm and reveal the truth behind the past few weeks. Yes, it’s been that bad!
It’s been a time when the saboteur in me has raised it’s mighty sword and been determined to head into battle and fight against all that I believe in.  You know … the big ones like myself, my body, love and the integrity of mankind.

Those are a few tough battles to fight right there, but to have them all surface at the same time has been well worth hiding until the battle was won and I could write about something partially victorious. Thank heaven’s for the world cup soccer because it’s been easy to fade into the background between surprise wins, oops losses and double oops’s own goals. I’ve managed to shove in a song here and a few picture moments there … but now it’s time to introduce you to my saboteur.

You are going to have to pardon that side of because she’s licking her wounds after realising that the fight might not have been necessary and that she’s just like everyone else in the world when she realises that what she wants and what she gets are never the same thing.

You also have to pardon her for taking her time to see the light and realise that it’s now always about fighting against the ways of the world and her own personal thoughts … it’s more about just accepting them. So in that acceptance I managed to sabotage the damage that my saboteur was out to cause in my life … and here’s how I saved myself from myself!

Ok, that’s not all true! Work has been going so well and Greggie and I are actually doing something quite amazing. Because we both live so consciously and always find ourselves in these deep conversations where pearls of wisdom flow forth and we challenge ourselves and each other all of time … we’ve been doing a little work on fear. Why the hell not … right? Why not take a look at fear and how we react to it as human beings and why not do something different. Fantastic … every once in a while we look at each other as if we are mad and then we go back to seeing the world differently and jumping into life head first before we teach anyone else. So … we’ve been doing things that scare us!
My saboteur, who only wants to keep me safe and is a great friend of the Ego (they fight the same battle and never want us to succeed … and don’t feel sorry for me because every one of us has a saboteur lurking within).
So with the ego and the saboteur as allies and Greggie and I deciding to throw ourselves headfirst into our fears … why am I one bit surprised that a whole lot of challenges of the heart, body and soul crept up to keep me up at night, distracted during the day and far from the person I am growing to be?

How bad can self sabotage get … right?

Hmmmm … it can have had a near affair! It can have gone on a binge eating spree! It can have forgotten about gym or water! It can have stayed up till all hours of the morning talking shit to anybody online just to avoid resting the body! Did I mention eating … a lot?

I’m finally able to blog about it because I’ve finally started to settle the chaos about each part of it.

Firstly … I really did nearly have an affair.
It is with a good friend and we have had our fair share of wild, passionate sex … and now he’s in a relationship. Oh … well … um … his version of a relationship.
If he’s calling me to fill in the gaps of where he’s not happy then he’s missing a few vital ingredients that actually qualify for … what we call a committed relationship.
So … I’m not getting any at the moment and I’ve had all this boy trouble. Now when my dear friend tells me that he misses me and thinks of me … that’s exactly what my saboteur would love to hear. Why not screw with my moral for a while?
I nearly did it … I nearly managed to justify what cheating meant and I also nearly managed to justify that only he would be cheating because I had no one to cheat on. I also managed to make it perfectly acceptable to think she deserved to be cheated on if she was not giving him what he needed. Whow … hold it right there! Slam on breaks … how much do I love myself again?
I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been used as a pawn in someone else’s love triangle either … and I managed to go from near sabotage to sabotaging my own self sabotage! Don’t worry … I get it!  Bottom line … I didn’t go there!

I like someone and there are a few obstacles that stand in our way. The one is that he told me a truth that should have come out a little sooner than it did and the other is that I don’t know how he’s going to act on his realisations. Ok … there are other issues like an age gap, but I have chosen not to make any of those an issue!
Everyone else has! Well … everyone along the ways seems to have gone into either ‘protection of me mode’ or ‘this is how it will turn out mode’. I know it’s all coming from a space of loving and caring for me, but my saboteur was about to have a field day and listen to my friends around me. I was about to fall into the trap of falling into everyone else’s  fears. My saboteur was about to help me forget just how freely and consciously I do live.
Yes … history shows pattern! Yep … the odds might be stacked up against me! Yup … everyone has a story about how a situation like this didn’t pan out for someone they know.
Through the very responses I have received from my friends, I realised that I was given a whole lot of bad advice from a teach of mine a long time ago. She taught me that it is fine to take risks and face our fears … but it’s best to take ‘calculated risks’. Don’t throw yourself into a situation without evaluating and summing up what you are getting into. I’m saying ‘CRAP!’ … I’m saying that I listened to her a while ago and ended up staying in a business far too long! I ended up staying in a friendship, a partnership, homes … you name it … for far too long because I was ever doing was taking calculated risk.
I’m not doing it this time … I’m not listening to the saboteur in me or in anyone else. I don’t care about the statistics or all of those love sick fools who went before me. I don’t care if it seems as though I’m jumping in blind and I don’t care if I have to write a blog about a broken heart tomorrow … I’m living!!
I’m taking risks and I’m stopping my saboteur from protecting my heart from hurt or my pride from humiliation!
I’m going for it … even if it’s just by saying it in this blog and waiting for a call that never comes … just that wait is bolder than most people around me ever would have done!

My greatest sabotaging tool ever is food and exercise and a total misconception of my own body and beauty. This stems back from a childhood that was riddled with dieting and food obsession for an array of reasons. I think my first diet plan was when I was about 7! I was winning beauty competitions then … but still facing invisible fat because obsession governed the home. As I grew up my teeth grew skew and my eyes went fuzzy … my hair was half curly-half straight and I had no dress sense. Needless to say I was picked up by my sibling … obsessively! Actually … the picking on hasn’t stopped! My God … as soon as anyone sees a pretty picture of me today they drag up the memories of who I was and show shock and horror that the swan emerged! Well … sort of emerged! Their are still comments about weight and how pretty I could be … would be … should be …
So the saboteur decided that there was nothing pretty about me at all and clung to that theory for the longest time.
Time passed and I did begin to feel pretty … but I never let go of the issue that I had weight to lose. I then manifested a man who wished he could love me … but could not get past the weight issues for his own reasons. I also manifested a friend telling me that if I were only a bit thinner I would be so wonderful.
Then I manifest someone who takes one look at me and falls head over heals. Guess what I do??? I eat!

I eat and eat … like binge and have double portions of food and go back to the old days of sneaking off to find food. That’s where ‘project me’ truly had to come in and rescue me!
When gym dried up and I had no inclination to take care of myself … when my roots were showing and I didn’t care that I was losing the ‘blondes have move fun’ feeling … well, I still didn’t care.
I don’t know why I do it … but as soon as I think someone has seen through all the body stuff, I make it worse! I think that’s going to protect me … from what? Who the hell knows!!

So Greggie and I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for a few days now and have been coming up with different things to do to be kind to the ego.
This part of my saboteur scares me though … It goes full force ahead to destroy any bit of sexy, pretty I have.

And then it happened!
My saboteur got hit with an unexpected stab to the pit of it’s depth … and there was a sigh of defeat!  It happened when I was chatting to a friend from overseas! Well, he’s more than just any friend! He’s my fireman who I’ve been chatting to for nearly 3 years and if there weren’t like oceans and continents between us then I think I might have had a fireman all to myself. In our little fantasy world … well you know how fantasies go!

So … we are chatting and he tells me that I look sexier everytime we chat! We are on MSN and it’s been the same picture there for the whole three years … so how the hell can I be looking sexier?
NO … he’s not talking about my msn pic … he’s talking about the new pics of Facebook of the signing of the business contracts. WHAT???????? The pics where I feel like I’ve picked up a few kilos of butter and my roots are showing total lack of interest in myself! Those pics??

Yep … those pics!!!
And then it happened … my saboteur sighed! She had finally lost the battle! She realised that no matter how much she thinks the is hurting herself … the world just doesn’t see it!
The world wouldn’t care if I ate a house! The world wouldn’t care if never went to gym again or if my hair grew grey and I never brushed it!
I know it sounds like I should have known that all along … but not when I’ve been programmed to be judged by my looks! No wait … my fireman did judge me by my looks … yet he saw all that my saboteur has been hiding from me … he saw … well, I guess he saw … me!!!

‘Project me’ might have slipped a little on the physical side, but behind the scenes where the my saboteur has been fighting a silent war, there’s been a whole lot of awakening going on! The battle is far from won, but at least I am now beginning to understand just how old the war is that my saboteur is fighting. It’s time to hand the weapons over and replace them with something a little less detrimental …